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One year at Thanksgiving my Mom went to my sister's
house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that
she needed something from the store. When my sister left, My mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed
a Cornish game hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She put it back in the oven.
When it was
time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
" Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the
whole family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
~~~~~
Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because
he wears his belt buckle on his hat.
~~~~~
Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A. Pumpkin pi.
~~~~~
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
Turkeys
will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if
you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front
of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion
warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey
will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday,
high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance
of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will
be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
~~~~~
The pro football team had just finished their daily
practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked
up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right
through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for
the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does
the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
~~~~~
What
key has legs and can't open doors?
A Turkey.
Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop
acting like a turkey!"
"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Let me think a second. Mom laid
the egg in 1954..."
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now,
he'd turn over in his gravy!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was
the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their
AGE
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language
What are the feathers on a
turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers
What's
the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes
- a building can't jump at all
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
How
can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey
What kind of music did
the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
Why did they
let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected
it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY
What did the turkey say before
it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it
Why did the
Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He
had an arrow escape
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It
hugged the shore
Shot Out of the Oven
The turkey shot out of the oven
And
rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom
Then splattered all over the kitchen
Completely obscuring the room
It stuck to the walls and the windows
It totally coated the
floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance
It
smeared every saucer and bowl
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was outta
control.
I scraped and scrubbed with displeasure
and Thought with chagrin
as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hasn't been popped!
So..................Don't be a turkey
Have a Happy Thanksgiving !
Top Ten Signs You've
Eaten Too Much
10.
Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for
a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute
you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest
man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your
couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're
sweatin' gravy.
~~~~~
He was approached after class by a young woman that wanted to compliment him on his lecture.
The topic of the lecture was about marriages and why some go bad. She was the granddaughter of a couple that had been married
for nearly 50 years. To his delight, everything was great. Especially since the wife in the relationship was able to rectify
a small problem they had for nearly the entire relationship.
Apparently, the husband had a seriously bad habit. Every morning
when he woke up he would fart. A very loud, smelly, and down right distasteful fart. She was concerned that it was a medical
problem and so she made him go to the doctor and every time he would come home and say that the doctor gave him a clean bill
of health. And so the next morning he would let out a loud fart and she would also in turn yell at him and warn him that one
day, despite what doctors say, that he is going to fart his guts out. He then would chuckle, fluff the sheets, make a crack
about it being a normal part of life, and go about his business.
Well one morning, she woke up early and went into the
kitchen to start on Thanksgiving dinner. She made the cranberry sauce, and the yams, and then started on the turkey. She pulled
out all the giblets, gizzards, and the neck and set them aside when brilliance struck. She took the bowl, tip-toed down the
hall, opened the bedroom door oh-so-quietly, gently pulled back the blankets and sheets, cautiously pulled back his jockey
shorts, and proceeded to place the turkey parts in his briefs. She then replaced all of the garments and went back into the
kitchen to do her work.
Well about an hour went by and it was time, she waited for the alarm, and then like clock-work,
she heard the ever-so-pungent ass-trumpeting. But this time it was followed by a scream and footsteps to the bathroom where
it all ended with a loud slam of the bathroom door. It took everything in her power to keep from doubling over in laughter.
It took her about 18-20 minutes to compose herself long enough to check on her dear husband, she found him coming out of the
bathroom white as a sheet. He stopped, looked at her and said "Honey, I am so sorry. All those years I have done that horribly
nasty thing and I got away with it. I am so sorry."
Ever so comely she asked him what happened, and he said, "Well, you
know all those times you said that one day I would fart my guts out. Well, today it happened" He lifted his hand, produced
his index and middle finger and said, "But by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them all back in!!"
Hope you
understand the punch line. Have a good day!
~~~~~
At
the Thanksgiving dinner table when everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get
caught" and refuse to say anything more.
~~~~~
Q: What's a turkey's favorite song?
A: "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
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